Aural Waterboarding: Torturous Records Pt 3


For those who always say that music was “better in the old days”, let’s remind ourselves of some big hits from the past in this continuing saga. You see, the world is full of cankerous musical drivel and it doesn’t matter which generation you’re from; there’s always a deluge of it.

Gazza & Lindisfarne – Fog On The Tyne (Re-visited) (1990)

The combination of aging hippies, a complex football star and hip hop should have never got past a nightmarish thought, but back in 1990, Paul Gascoigne was a hot commodity and everybody wanted a piece of his mad cap persona. So angered were the footballing Gods with this musical tragedy, they cast an eternal spell on Gazza’s home town team (Newcastle Utd) and his playing club (Tottenham Hotspur) so that they would never win a trophy again.

Glenn & Chris – Diamond Lights (1987)

Talking of footballing Gods, they cast another spell on the ball used in the 1990 England v Germany World Cup semi final shoot out which meant that Chris Waddle’s penalty ballooned over the stadium and is apparently somewhere in deep space orbiting Neptune as we speak. A spokesman for the footballing Gods stated that “Diamond Lights” was sufficient reason to incur their displeasure. As for retribution for Glenn Hoddle’s part in this calamitous synth pop hit, rumour has it that the Gods sent down “spiritual advisor” Eileen Drewery to befuddle his mind and completely mess up his England management career.

Mr Blobby – Mr Blobby (1993)

Yes, the Christmas number one from 1993 came from a bloke in a big pink and yellow rubber costume endorsed by none other than Noel Edmonds. Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson apparently jumped at the chance of appearing in the accompanying promotional video as he was one of the few who actually got the joke. HMV customers voted it the worst ever Christmas number one.

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